Decision Time

MOPS went really well today. It was nice to finally get back into the swing of things. We had movie time and watched a piece on making the best of a crappy situation - like how to make a hovel feel like a home to your kids. Between the movie and our mentor moment I felt like someone was beating me over the head, saying "This is you. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. God helps those who help themselves." I've been trying to figure out how to handle this anxiety that seems to be controlling my life.

Yesterday I had a total meltdown, screaming at LD for getting in the way of the vacuum cleaner. I actually stomped my feet I was so out of control. Later on, standing in front of an open window, I realized that I was not the person I thought I was. I thought I could handle anything that came my way. I handled little O's passing, so I thought, yet how come I break down in tears for no particular reason? Or why do I cry over some stupid sappy commercial on TV? That's not me.

So today, after our Mentor Moment and the film, I realized that God was telling me it was ok to ask for help. My new friend Tracy was there and she was so encouraging. She even gave me these stress candies from the natural food store. She said they help smooth down stressful feelings and being overwhelmed. She also has a friend who knows of a Christian therapist in my area who is supposed to be very good.

So, Monday I'm calling my Dr. and asking for an appointment, then asking for a referral to see this woman. Hopefully with a little more medication (maybe on a daily basis) and a lot of therapy, I can get a handle on this. Because, I'm telling you, I'm so sick of feeling this way and it's not fair to LD to see his mumma losing it for no reason. I want so much more for him. He deserves to be happy and make the most of his childhood. It's also not fair to Hubby, who I love dearly and can't live without. He's the most wonderful man even if he doesn't understand what I'm going through. He tries and that's what matters.

On another note, I start my part-time job at McDonald's tomorrow. At first I thought, how can I work there - it's such a loser job. That was the snob in me talking. I never thought I'd be in a position where I had to find a job to accommodate my having LD home all day. There really aren't any professional jobs in my town that would allow me to work at night. So here I am stuck with the burger joint. However, the ladies at MOPS and my family have helped me see the light. I'm doing what I can to help us make ends meet. We have a laundry list of things we need that we just can't afford and this job with help meet those needs. I also have a knitting habit I need to maintain to help me win the fight against insanity! So, in order to afford those $10 to $15 balls of yummy yarn to knit with I have to work. Mickey D's it is - I'm going to put my best foot forward and be the best darned burger flipper they ever saw!

Onto knitting. I have finished mitten #1 for my MIL and started the first few rows of mitten #2. It's coming right along and I hope to finish the mitten this coming week. I am really anxious to start on my purse. After that I want to find some comparable yarn to Rowan Big Wool. I want to knit a cabled hoodie vest for either my sister or my niece. I have found some Big Wool at discontinued prices but I'm not sure if the colorway is acceptable. So I would like to find a cheaper comparable yarn as an alternative.

Hubby says I'm obsessed with knitting. Well, maybe I am but there are worse things to be addicted to! Besides, most of what I knit I tend to give away. I'm also obsessed with books and he laughs about that! Anyway...

Time to relax and kick up my feet. I have laundry to do and a shower to take before I go to my new job tomorrow so I'd like to be well rested!

Ciao and Happy Knitting!