Reflections

My current Bible study is asking me to reflect on my life in stages starting from birth on.  Since I'm (cough) 40, I have 5 stages, each spanning 8 years.  I certainly don't mind looking back on my life, I just don't have many actual memories from that first stage.  Nothing specific like what the author wants me to reflect on.  I have, I guess, hazy images and mainly an overall sense of happiness, peace and contentment.  I had no major events, no relocations, abuses, divorce, death, nothing.  So I'm find it difficult sometimes to relate to some of the things our teacher wants us to do.  I'm trying...I really am.  I want to have something that's going to jump out and grab me yet nothing so far has done that.  She means for these next sessions to have the greatest impact on us and maybe I'm a little premature in my reflecting process but so far I'm not getting much out of it.  Which is too bad because our teacher is a dynamo and has such a fire and passion for Christ.  I can't help but think that people who have had major traumas in their lives have more appreciation or deeper connections with God than those of us who have had happy childhoods and "normal" lives.  Frankly, I'm envious of the people I know who have developed an intimate relationship with God.  I keep asking, when is it going to happen to me?  I want that closeness so what is blocking me from surrendering?  Aha...that's it, isn't it.  I have to surrender.  You know, I must have forgotten to tell God I have genuine control issues!  I know He knows this and I pray all the time for my grip to loosen.  I think it is - when I look back over the last couple of years.  I know I still feel as if I'm far from surrendering but I can feel a difference stirring inside.  I'm actively trying to live by His principles and hoping, maybe a little to much, I'll absorb it all like osmosis instead of having to vocally exclaim, "I surrender, God.  I yield all that I am and all that I have to You.  Do with me what You will."  See, I can type it, I can think it...I just can't seem to bring myself to say it.  Yet, anyway.