Summer Sickness

Achoo...excuse me - must be my summer cold - ARGH! I hate getting sick in the summer time. Worse, I completely dislike having a sick child no matter what time of the year it is. I feel so bad for my little man. He's got a doozy, too. Coughing, sneezing, runny nose, achy body. He's really whiney and I can't say that I blame him! It sucks. Unfortunately I don't think I'm a very good nursemaid. I get exasperated with sick people. I know he's just a baby but I still have a hard time being patient with him. I have to verbally remind myself (after heaving a large sigh) that "he's just a baby...he doesn't feel well...he needs to know he's ok and that mommy is here." Of course, once I'm in his bedroom rubbing his back and looking down at his sweet little face I really do feel badly for him. I'm just not the most patient person in the world. Not to mention my sad tendency towards selfishness that unfortunately did not go away with the birth of my children.

I think one advantage of having kids at a younger age would have to be the ability to be more flexible. When one waits too long one tends to be more set in one's ways. At least that's how I feel. It's difficult thinking of other people's needs and trying to be considerate when one's natural tendency is in the opposite direction! Ha ha ha! Oh, I'm really not that bad. Maybe I'm being a little self-deprecating. At least I can admit my selfish feelings! I know that most mom's feel this way at some point. We just don't usually like to admit it - ever.

In anycase, being sick in the summer time sucks bog water. Talk about not having patience with others - I barely have patience with myself when I'm sick. I don't want to be bothered. I try to pretend, for as long as possible, that I'm really not sick in the hopes I'll end up, well, not being sick. Silly, huh. So here I sit, coughing, with a stuffed up and runny nose, scratchy throat and chest congestion. *heaving sigh* I think I have to stop pretending now.

In other news, I've started hubby's Christmas present. So far, no errors - knock on wood. I'm almost through one skein of yarn with about 10 more to go. I really love the color and I think it will look terrific on him. It will be big enough and long enough for him to wear a couple shirts under. He's always cold so this should work out well. Somewhere along the way, I'll have to start on my MIL's socks. I briefly entertained the thought of having them done for her birthday on the 21st but since I'm doing so well on hubby's present I'll have to wait to start her's later. No one likes getting socks in the summertime anyway, right?

I'm still reading a lot. I'm in the middle of a debut mystery novel called Poison Pen by Sheila Lowe. Interesting concept. The heroine is a forensic handwriting analyst. Not a bad story, either. It was a little stiff at first but has smoothed into a decently written mystery.

Hubby and I are seriously debating putting LD in part time day care for the summer. It would be Tues and Thurs mornings from 8am to 11:30am. I think it would be a good idea for him to become a little more socially aware. Right now he has no interest in playing with anyone else and has no concept of sharing or playing nicely. An old high school friend runs the day care. She's been a teacher for about 20 yrs and is now doing this preschool program. In the summer she does little tots. Anyway she charges $36 a week for it and we are really considering it. I think we'll give her a call this week and see if she can take him starting the 8th. I couldn't think of a better person to take him to. I'll probably be a worry wort the first few times, in fact, I know I'll have a hard time. At first, I won't know what to do with myself. Wow, three hours to myself...what do I do?

Speaking of that...I have some good ideas of what to do with my time! There's a lot of painting to do around the house. The kitchen needs to be done, the ceilings need freshening, and my dad's homemade doodads need to be touched up. Then he can put them out to sell. Also, I can take my bike out for a solo ride every now and then.

Well, my little man is up and coughing again. Need to make sure he's ok and give him his afternoon medicine.

Ciao y'all and happy knitting!

3rd Anniversary

It's hard to imagine that three years ago today we lost our first son, Owen. The weather we're having outside matches my mood, too. It's off and on sunny, rainy and stormy. We just had a huge thunder boomer and concurrent downpour. It lasted all of five minutes. Now the sun is trying to peep out again. Three years ago when we emerged from the hospital, all I could think about was how something so horrific could happen on such a beautiful day. What right did the flowers have to bloom or the trees to sprout leaves. How could it be such a gloriously warm, bright and sunny day? At the time, I was stunned, numb and exhausted. We had just held our son in our arms as he died, never having heard his little voice. A fleeting thought crossed my overwhelmingly sad mind, "was God mocking me?" I felt like I was looking at the world from the outside in. I watched myself walk with my family up to our meager little room in the hospital apartments on Beacon Hill to gather our things.

For 40 days hubby and I had to sleep in separate beds because there were no rooms available with anything else. So we pushed the twins together so we could at least hold hands at night. We would fall into our beds around 11pm or so after we had visited NICU and get up again around 7am again to be back in NICU for the next shift change. We were there in the morning, then left for a while, had lunch, were back around 1 or 2pm, stayed for a while, read to Owen, then left for a while, had dinner out somewhere - maybe wandered around Boston for a while, then came back to NICU to check on things, kiss O and say good night. Of course, I was pumping then. So I had to schedule getting up to pump milk and store it, all with the hopes that we would be bringing it along with Owen back home. In the end, the milk got donated to a milk bank and our ride home was as empty as the baby's car seat in the back. My poor father had to sit next to it for 2+ hrs on the ride back to Maine.

Maybe it's not anxiety that tightens my chest at night - it's quite possible and very likely it's still grief. Why in the last two anniversary's I haven't felt like this, I don't know. It's not supposed to happen this way. We never had the happy ending you see on TV. There was no miracle cure, no instant anti-biotic that stopped his infection. He just died. And I think I turned myself off after that for a long time.

My wish and prayer for all of you is that you never experience that kind of tragedy in your lifetimes. Hold your children close and thank God you have them and they are safe and happy in your arms. I know I always try to sneak in extra hugs and kisses to LD whenever I can.

Burn Notice

Ok, how come no one told me about USA's Burn Notice? I mean, come on! It's right up my alley, smoking hot Jeffrey Donovan, super sultry Gabrielle Anwar and how can you go wrong casting Bruce Campbell in anything?! I've been watching season one on Hulu and I absolutely love it! Great action, even better scripting and Bruce Campbell's, Sam, is hilarious. I think it's right up there with TNT's The Closer and Saving Grace. In Plain Sight's, Mary, is not quite as good as Grace, at least not yet. As far as I'm concerned the jury is still out on that one. I mean, Holly Hunter's Grace embodies the bad girl right down to the wild hair, cigarette smoking, hard drinking and gravelly voice. Mary McCormack's character seems to be trying too hard and is just a little too sweet. And you know, her voice bothers me. Anyway...after four episodes of Burn Notice, I'm hooked. If I can get all 12 epi's done by July 10th, I'll be happy. That's when the new season comes out. I'm really looking forward to TNT and USA this summer!

I'm starting to hate my computer. I built the thing in 2004 and at the time it was all state of the art. I've upgraded it some since but now I'm starting to think that I need to completely rebuild it. First of all, and I never thought I'd say this, 80 gig is simply not a lot of memory these days! I also need a faster chip and a way more USB ports. I can only install so many cards. It would be sweet to get a new video card, too, one that can handle HDTV so I can really get some good use out of my 21" HD LCD monitor. The problem is $$$$. Being a stay at home mom just doesn't pay in dollars! Ah, well, you know that old saying, "you can wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one weighs more." Crude, yet true!! Ha ha ha!

I've starting planning for LD's 2nd birthday party. It's just going to be family and some friends. I'm hoping for a nice day so we can have everyone outside. In any case, we're thinking about renting a nice tent just in case. We could use it for shade if it happens to turn out sunny. We've just built a nice outdoor fireplace on the hill beside our garage. All we need is some grating and wood and we're good to go! (As long as it stops raining for a while). Anyway, I've got some Diego themed plates and decorations. LD is HUGE into Diego and Doro right now. He absolutely loves animals. If we go anywhere in the car, I just pop in a Diego video and he's good as gold. Probably not the best parenting option but what can I say? It works and keeps everybody happy. My menu for the party is going to be pretty simple, just typical bbq stuff. Burgers, dogs, macaroni and potato salads, chips and dip, etc. The only thing I need to order is the cake. I'm going to do it in the next week or so. It will be Diego, of course! I also need balloons and stuff - but, I'll hit up the dollar store in town for that. My invites are out and I'm just waiting on the RSVP's to see who can make it. It should be really fun!

My book reading spree is almost done, I can feel it. I'm not so ravenous to soak up the next novel on my shelf. I've also been routing around in my knitting bag and wondering which pair of socks I'm going to knit next and am I going to do any fancy stitching. So in the near future I'm sure I'll be happily knitting away again. If I could knit and read I'd be on Cloud 9.

So far it's another boring day for LD. We went to the park again this morning and he didn't want anything to do with playing on the playground gym. He just wanted to run - so I let him. He ran a lot! He tuckered himself out a little but seemed to be ready for his nap when the time came. I just wish the weather was better in the afternoon but it's clouding up again. I wanted to take him up to the little beach on the lake and go for a swim. Doesn't look like that will happen. In any case, it's a little too chilly for swimming.

Grampa is hard at work on the back of the house. We've been vinyl siding the house bit by bit and now it's the back's turn. I wish he'd done the side first but he wouldn't be able to reach it! The side of the house has a daylight basement and we would need scaffolding to start siding it. And, the back is in more desperate shape right now. What am I saying? The whole house is in desperate shape!

Well, I'll be signing off now. I can hear little peeps of activity coming from the monitor to LD's room. Take care and have a great hump day!

Happy Knitting!

Lazy Days

We've had such a busy week this past week that my son doesn't quite know what to do with himself. First we went to the zoo, then the park, and bike riding (he didn't do much pedaling), also swimming - first in his little wading pool, which seems to entertain him for a least a solid hour, then at his Auntie's house where he was introduced to the big pool. She has a nice inground pool. He was freaked out at first but gradually got used to it. Hubby and I weren't about to let him go so he finally go over the fact that his grubby little feet couldn't touch bottom and learned to stretch his legs out and kick! He was almost swimming but the end of the evening. We were so late eating last night and poor LD didn't get to bed until about quarter to 10. His slept a little late today but seems to be in a good mood. He just doesn't want to do anything! Right now he's found Grampa's stash of Pepsi's and is shaking up the cans! Won't Grampa be surprised when he opens that can!

We're supposed to be going into Portland this afternoon after LD wakes up. I actually have an appointment for another tattoo but funds have been getting really tight again so I've been trying to convince hubby to cancel the appointment. I'm gonig to have to insist on it today. I don't want to drag LD around today. We should have some quiet time at home. Besides, we have some outdoor projects to do and they won't get done if we're out gallivanting!

I'm getting the urge to knit again. Whew! I just have the toe to do on my niece's sock then I'm going to set it aside and start on my MIL's or SIL's. The matching sock for my niece will have to wait! I'm toying with the idea of a pattern but I don't want the socks to take too long or for me to lose my place knitting them. I know, I know... I also have to start hubby's sweater before it gets to be too late. I'm hoping for some time to knit soon!

LD just got some big bad sticker tattoos on his arms - Mickey, Donald, Goofy and Pluto! He think they're "cooool!"

Gotta run - it's lunch time for the little man and me. Hubby will be home from work soon and we can plan the rest of our weekend.

Happy Knitting!

The Downfalls of Getting Older

Hubby and I have decided that instead of sitting on our humps at night watching our boy run around we're going to take an active part in his after dinner play. You know the old saying, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions," right? Well, we got our bikes and LD's bike trailer out of storage and decided to go for a little ride last night after dinner. OMGosh! We certainly didn't make it very far! Hubby went about a 1/2 mile further than I did. I thought my thighs were going to burn off! I was shaking and jiggling by the time I made it up our driveway and my thighs were still burning an hour later! The worst part for me was how every time I pedaled my knees pushed my fat up into my chest. I must have looked like quite the site! Watch out everyone...fat chick on a bike! Amazingly enough I was even heckled once by a bunch of kids driving by. I felt like saying, "at least I'm out here!" How demoralizing. Anyway, I was proud that I got out there. It felt so good afterward that when LD wanted to go for a ride today, I dug out hubby's bike, put on my helmut and pushed off. I went a little further than I planned. However, it was still a very very short ride. I figure I can go a little more each time and I know that LD will be helping. He keeps yelling "More!" every time I stop for a breath!

I was an avid bike rider in my younger days. It was nothing for me to tool along for 4 or 5 miles or so. I don't even remember being out of breath other than climbing hills. Dad tells me we were all conditioned well back then. The three of us, Mom, Dad and I, used to go all over town. It's about 3.5 to 4 miles to our local DQ and we would bike there for an ice cream and bike back home again. I can't even go 1/8th of a mile now without feeling like I was going to fall off my bike! I would head out several times a week to the library about 1 mile away. It was all downhill one way so I'd be heading home with a backpack full (and I mean full) of books trekking uphill the whole way!

I'm thinking this is one of the many downfalls of getting older...not being able to do the things one could do when one was younger. Slower recovery time after staying up too late. Slower recovery time after having one too many drinks. Slower recovery time after too much exercise. Of course, being sadly out of shape (didn't I mention round was a shape?) is also a factor. I am at a full 180 degrees from where I used to be. In the worst shape and the heaviest of my life. My problem is I'm lazy. At least I can admit it!!! I love food. I love to eat it and I love to cook it. I even love to eat what I cook! But with the threat of diabetes hanging over my head, I've been trying to cut out the sugary stuff. It's hard since I happen to be a pretty darned good baker. I still love to eat cookies but cakes are hard for me now. I can taste all the nasty sugar in them. Pies are the same way. I have a hard time with them now. I guess that's a good thing!

I have to get going. LD is bored out of his little mind. He can't seem to settle on doing anything today. So he's busy getting into things he shouldn't be getting into. You all know the drill! So outside we go (while my thighs sigh in agony!).

Happy whatever activity you have planned for the day!

But Mostly It's Sunny

Thank heavens I only have the dark days rarely! Whew. I know it can't be helped and all that stuff that I talked about yesterday is still boiling below the surface. But what's important in all this is the fact that I happen to be the eternal optimist. I think no matter what I will remain a glass half-full kind of girl. Everyone needs to allow themselves bad days. We can't always be happy all the time!

I have been experiencing knitting drought though. I just can't seem to get myself into it right now. The knitting itself, I mean. I'm all for reading about it, looking at it and planning all the things that I will eventually knit. But right now, I'm just not into it. Reading has retaken it's number one position of all time favorite hobbies. Of course, the heat might have something to do with it! Who wants to be knitting with wool when it's 95 and humid outside! I'm even having a hard time with the fingering weight yarns for simple socks! AC helps but not much as far as motivation goes. Anyway, the urge will strike again soon, I know it will. In the meantime, I'll bury my nose in my mystery novels and let the world of imagination take me away!

Speaking of books, I just started James Patterson's 1st to Die not realizing that the current TV show Womens Murder Club is based on his novels. That was a kicker! So far I like the book although you can tell a man is behind the 1st person female character. I hope the perspective improves!

I need to go check on my LD. We had a busy morning. We went to the zoo in York and LD, I think, had a lot of fun! I didn't hear him complaining! He was especially fascinated with all the monkeys and the green iguana. Thanks to Go, Diego, Go!

I'm off and running...happy knitting and reading!

Sometimes Darkness Reigns

Summer hasn't even officially started yet and I've got the doldrums, worse than that actually. It's hot, man, really hot. The temperature outside my kitchen window reads 94.5 degrees and that's in the shade. I used to really love Maine with all its diversity of seasons and such. Now, I can't say as much. Winters are too damn cold and snowy to do much of anything and summers now are so hot I barely stick my head outside our air conditioned house.

That's just it, you see I feel housebound and anxious. I get that feeling in my chest and it hurts. It's like I've forgotten to do something really important. Something life changing. I'm full of fears too. Constant aching fear that something is going to happen to my son. That I'll wake up one day and he won't or that he'll be gone, something really horrible. The nightmares are even worse. I guess this is what happens to a mind that has seen too much in recent years.

No one should ever outlive their child and when that child never even sees the outside of his own little glass NICU cubicle it's even worse. All that potential - gone. No one can ever understand what it's like. Every day you're there, it's a whole new roller coaster of emotion. The highs are so high it's like nothing can tear you down, then something happens and you get THE CALL, and your stomach plummets and your hands shake and get all clammy and there are dizzying spots in front of your eyes and you can't focus. The drowning fear that climbs into you when you hear the VOICE tell you that you need to come down to NICU because something is happening to your child again. You can't even look at your husband because his fears and pain hurt you even more. It's been 3 years and the hurt and the pain and the confusion don't go away. Why. He was beautiful even with all the tubes and tape stuck all over him. When his life slipped away it was almost more than I could stand. Relief, now he won't feel any pain. Guilt, because of the relief. Sadness so deep and complete and most of all, the fury. The sheer anger and apoplectic rage I felt, pure vitriol over the unfairness of it all. And it all had to be tamped down. Buried deep underneath the grief so I could pick up the pieces of my husband and my family and go home to an empty house and a nursery full of everything but what belongs there. The rage is like a black viscous liquid frothing inside me. I'm amazed, really, that I haven't gone completely batshit. But like everything there is always a good side to match and balance the evil.

Little O's baby brother, LD, and my hubby are shining beacons in my life. They keep me from crashing on the rocks and splintering everywhere, they keep the evil at bay. When my baby throws his chubby little arms around my neck and says, "hug" or "lov-ou" everything in my world is ok. I do everything I can to make his world be a good place to be.

How do you sign off from a posting like this? Frankly I don't know so I'll just leave it this way.

I Got Nothin'

Birthday flowers from my dad...

The lovely Gerbera daisy from Dad's bouquet.

Flowers from hubby - delivered to our doorstep...sweetness exemplified.

****************************************************************************

I wanted to sit down earlier today and write about something I found to be rather profound. I was looking forward to sharing these thoughts and seeing them in black and white. But you know? I waited too long. I've been sitting here trying to remember what I intended to say when I sat down. As so often happens, I get easily distracted. So as a result of my many distractions, I got nothing. I can't even think of much to say about one of my favorite subjects, knitting. Unless you want to hear me say that I'm not that into it right now. I mean, I just knit another inch on some socks I'm making for my niece, but I can't seem to get into it. Maybe it's because I'm knitting for everyone else and haven't made anything for myself in a while. I've been plucking away at the baby blanket yet the progress is soooo slow. I'm bored with it. I bought this crappy yarn with too much ease and too much nylon. When I try to keep a consistent tension, the yarn bunches up on itself. It's pretty stuff and a bit on the fluffy side but I'll never buy it again and when I'm finally done with the blanket I'll probably dance a jig! FYI, it's Debbie Mumm for Jo-Anne and I bought 5 skeins. I'll suffer through the blanket and probably booties, too. So I'm not that into the blanket or the socks. I keep looking at the luscious yarns I bought this past weekend and I really want to work with them but I have the voice of my mother in my head telling me to finish one project before starting another. At least the Voice assumes my mother's identity. Anyway, I digress.

I still have nothing. Instead of rambling on telling you I have nothing I'm going to quit while I'm ahead.

Later, and Happy whatever it is that makes you happy.

Yummy Yarn

I caved. You know I had to. When confronted with such an amazing variety of yummy yarns, I couldn't help myself. I convinced hubby to take me to KnitWit. I had been to their website and was sufficiently tempted by the big name expensive and colorful yarns to want to sink my hands into them in person. I had the chance to do so on Sunday and I could have stayed for hours, touching and squeezing and cuddling the yarn. So many familiar names that I've read and dreamed about but have never seen. You might think that yarn stores are a typical sight in naturally cold state like Maine. You would be wrong. Those of us that live rurally have to travel for miles to find a decent store that carries something other than Red Heart or Peaches 'n Cream. I have to plan for a trip to the yarn store, which means, hubby has to come with me and watch the baby while I shop. Not so fun for any of us. In any case, I am the proud new owner of two skeins of sock yarn. Trekking XXL in a lovely variegation of browns, olives, golds and grays, 75% superwash new wool and 25% nylon ($16.50) and Trekking Hand Art in Irland 508 colorway, a beautiful handpainted transition from green to gray to light gray, 75% superwash new wool and 25% nylon ($19.95). OUCH! Let me just say again, OUCH! At least I'll get matching socks out of each skein...whew. Unfortunately my pictures don't do them justice. You can find them, however, on the KnitWit website. On a scale of 5 stars, I'd give KnitWit a solid 4. Wonderful place with smiling, happy people and smiling, happy customers like myself - digging their hands into fluffy piles of luscious, yummy yarns.

BTW, I didn't mention, both yarns are for gift socks - at least I get to play with them for a little while before their lovely softness is gone from my presence. XXL is for my wonderful SIL who has been dying for a pair of handmade socks for years. Hand Art is for my loving, tolerant, amazing hubby who deserves them for no other reason than he loves me.

BTW, I'm looking for a ball winder and, maybe, a swift if the price is reasonable. Feel free to leave a comment or two!

On another note, I'm turning 39 this week. I say it's my first 39, since I'll stay a lovely 39 for the rest of the next decade. I think I'll just mark the 9's...39...49...59, etc. When I was 18 I thought everyone over the age of 35 was old. I don't feel old and I hope I don't look old. No serious lines or wrinkles yet and I'll thank those of you who know me not to mention the gray that I keep hidden away!

My beautiful new car has finally been christened. Her name is Agatha after my favorite mystery maven, the grande dame Agatha Christie. I can't tell you how much the name fits the car! I knew it was right when I mentioned it out loud. Hubby thinks I'm nuts but is willing to go along with it. Did I mention how much I love this man!!!

Anyway, got to run. I'd like to take a shower before LD wakes up...I'm getting a little game-y with all the outdoor activity we've been doing!! Ha ha ha!!!

Until next time, Happy Knitting and/or Happy Reading!