Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering Gods grace in its various forms.

1 Peter 4:9-10

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Sometimes Darkness Reigns

Summer hasn't even officially started yet and I've got the doldrums, worse than that actually. It's hot, man, really hot. The temperature outside my kitchen window reads 94.5 degrees and that's in the shade. I used to really love Maine with all its diversity of seasons and such. Now, I can't say as much. Winters are too damn cold and snowy to do much of anything and summers now are so hot I barely stick my head outside our air conditioned house.

That's just it, you see I feel housebound and anxious. I get that feeling in my chest and it hurts. It's like I've forgotten to do something really important. Something life changing. I'm full of fears too. Constant aching fear that something is going to happen to my son. That I'll wake up one day and he won't or that he'll be gone, something really horrible. The nightmares are even worse. I guess this is what happens to a mind that has seen too much in recent years.

No one should ever outlive their child and when that child never even sees the outside of his own little glass NICU cubicle it's even worse. All that potential - gone. No one can ever understand what it's like. Every day you're there, it's a whole new roller coaster of emotion. The highs are so high it's like nothing can tear you down, then something happens and you get THE CALL, and your stomach plummets and your hands shake and get all clammy and there are dizzying spots in front of your eyes and you can't focus. The drowning fear that climbs into you when you hear the VOICE tell you that you need to come down to NICU because something is happening to your child again. You can't even look at your husband because his fears and pain hurt you even more. It's been 3 years and the hurt and the pain and the confusion don't go away. Why. He was beautiful even with all the tubes and tape stuck all over him. When his life slipped away it was almost more than I could stand. Relief, now he won't feel any pain. Guilt, because of the relief. Sadness so deep and complete and most of all, the fury. The sheer anger and apoplectic rage I felt, pure vitriol over the unfairness of it all. And it all had to be tamped down. Buried deep underneath the grief so I could pick up the pieces of my husband and my family and go home to an empty house and a nursery full of everything but what belongs there. The rage is like a black viscous liquid frothing inside me. I'm amazed, really, that I haven't gone completely batshit. But like everything there is always a good side to match and balance the evil.

Little O's baby brother, LD, and my hubby are shining beacons in my life. They keep me from crashing on the rocks and splintering everywhere, they keep the evil at bay. When my baby throws his chubby little arms around my neck and says, "hug" or "lov-ou" everything in my world is ok. I do everything I can to make his world be a good place to be.

How do you sign off from a posting like this? Frankly I don't know so I'll just leave it this way.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Books on Tap for 2011

  • Knit Together - Debbie Macomber
  • Captured by Grace - Dr. David Jeremiah
  • Murder Most Foul - A Collection of Great Crime Stories
  • Fireproof - Eric Wilson
  • There's Something About Christmas - Debbie Macomber
  • Questioning Evangelism - Randy Newman
  • Murder Uncorked - Michele Scott
  • A Sacred Sorrow - Michael Card
  • Prayer: Does it Make any Difference? - Philip Yancey
  • Get Out of That Pit - Beth Moore

Books Read in 2011

  • What a Sista Should Do - Tiffany L. Warren
  • 90 Minutes in Heaven - Don Piper
  • Forgotten God - Francis Chan
  • The Purpose Driven Life - Rick Warren
  • Dead Reckoning - Charlaine Harris
  • Shadowfever - Karen Marie Moning
  • Chill Factor - Sandra Brown
  • Heaven Has a Blue Carpet - Sharon Niedzinski
  • Dreamfever - Karen Marie Moning
  • Wednesday Sisters - Meg Waite Clayton
  • Stealing Home - Sherryl Woods
  • Bound for Murder - Laura Childs
  • Bloodfever - Karen Marie Moning
  • Faefever - Karen Marie Moning
  • Darkfever - Karen Marie Moning
  • Under Her Skin - Susan Mallery
  • The Red Pyramid - Rick Riordan
  • No Wonder They Call Him Saviour - Max Lucado
  • I Still Dream About You - Fannie Flagg
  • I Am Number Four - Pittacus Lore
  • The Last Olympian - Rick Riordan
  • Spider Bones - Kathy Reichs
  • A Thread So Thin - Marie Bostwick
  • The Battle of the Labyrinth - Rick Riordan
  • The Search - Nora Roberts
  • The Titan's Curse - Rick Riordan
  • Wicked Appetite - Janet Evanovich
  • The Sea of Monsters - Rick Riordan
  • Awakened - PC & Kristen Cast
  • The Lightning Thief - Rick Riordan
  • Photo Finished - Larua Childs
  • Keepsake Crimes - Laura Childs
  • Sizzling Sixteen - Janet Evanovich
  • The Icing on the Cupcake - Jennifer Ross
  • Fleece Navidad - Maggie Sefton
  • Dyer Consequences - Maggie Sefton
  • The Darling Dahlias and the Cucumber Tree - Susan Wittig Albert
  • Heaven Has a Blue Carpet - Sharon Niedzinski
  • Dreamfever - Karen Marie Moning

Books Read in 2010

  • The Yada Yado Prayer Group - Netta Jackson
  • Silver Borne - Patricia Briggs
  • The Hole in Our Gospel - Richard Stearns
  • A Winter Marriage - Kerry Hardie
  • So Long, Insecurity - Beth Moore
  • Knit the Season - Kate Jacobs
  • Dead and Berried - Karen MacInerney
  • Murder on the Rocks - Karen MacInerney
  • where do i go - Netta Jackson
  • be sweet - diane hunt
  • The Lost Symbol - Dan Brown
  • Raven - Allison Van Deipen
  • Push (Precious) - sapphire
  • Faces of the Gone - Brad Parks
  • The Lace Reader - Brunonia Barry
  • Burning Lamp - Amanda Quick
  • Fired Up - Jayne Ann Krentz
  • The School of Essential Ingredients - Erica Bauermeister
  • Matters Arising - Sarah Harrison
  • The Sheen on the Silk - Anne Perry
  • I Saw the Lord - Anne Graham Lotz
  • The Dangerous Protector - Janet Chapman
  • The Seduction of His Wife - Janet Chapman
  • Re-reading all the Tintin graphic novels - Herge
  • The Sugar Queen - Sarah Addison Allen
  • the last time i saw you - Elizabeth Berg
  • Garden Spells - Sarah Addison Allen
  • Wild Ride - Jennifer Crusie & Bob Mayer
  • Dead in the Family - Charlaine Harris
  • The Girl Who Chased the Moon - Sarah Addison Allen
  • Grave Secret - Charlaine Harris
  • Crawl Space - Sarah Graves
  • The Honey Thief - Elizabeth Graver
  • The Otherworldlies - Jennifer Anne Kogler
  • Saving CeeCee Honeycutt - Beth Hoffman
  • A Face at the Window - Sarah Graves
  • Draycott Eternal - Christina Skye
  • Shelter Mountain - Robin Carr
  • Virgin River - Robyn Carr
  • Death by Cashmere - Sally Goldenbaum
  • An Ice Cold Grave - Charlaine Harris
  • Grave Surprise - Charlaine Harris
  • Grave Sight - Charlaine Harris