Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering Gods grace in its various forms.

1 Peter 4:9-10

Friday, June 20, 2008

3rd Anniversary

It's hard to imagine that three years ago today we lost our first son, Owen. The weather we're having outside matches my mood, too. It's off and on sunny, rainy and stormy. We just had a huge thunder boomer and concurrent downpour. It lasted all of five minutes. Now the sun is trying to peep out again. Three years ago when we emerged from the hospital, all I could think about was how something so horrific could happen on such a beautiful day. What right did the flowers have to bloom or the trees to sprout leaves. How could it be such a gloriously warm, bright and sunny day? At the time, I was stunned, numb and exhausted. We had just held our son in our arms as he died, never having heard his little voice. A fleeting thought crossed my overwhelmingly sad mind, "was God mocking me?" I felt like I was looking at the world from the outside in. I watched myself walk with my family up to our meager little room in the hospital apartments on Beacon Hill to gather our things.

For 40 days hubby and I had to sleep in separate beds because there were no rooms available with anything else. So we pushed the twins together so we could at least hold hands at night. We would fall into our beds around 11pm or so after we had visited NICU and get up again around 7am again to be back in NICU for the next shift change. We were there in the morning, then left for a while, had lunch, were back around 1 or 2pm, stayed for a while, read to Owen, then left for a while, had dinner out somewhere - maybe wandered around Boston for a while, then came back to NICU to check on things, kiss O and say good night. Of course, I was pumping then. So I had to schedule getting up to pump milk and store it, all with the hopes that we would be bringing it along with Owen back home. In the end, the milk got donated to a milk bank and our ride home was as empty as the baby's car seat in the back. My poor father had to sit next to it for 2+ hrs on the ride back to Maine.

Maybe it's not anxiety that tightens my chest at night - it's quite possible and very likely it's still grief. Why in the last two anniversary's I haven't felt like this, I don't know. It's not supposed to happen this way. We never had the happy ending you see on TV. There was no miracle cure, no instant anti-biotic that stopped his infection. He just died. And I think I turned myself off after that for a long time.

My wish and prayer for all of you is that you never experience that kind of tragedy in your lifetimes. Hold your children close and thank God you have them and they are safe and happy in your arms. I know I always try to sneak in extra hugs and kisses to LD whenever I can.

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad you liked Poison Pen! Written in Blood, the next Claudia Rose Forensic Handwriting Mystery, will be coming out in September.
    Sheila Lowe


Books on Tap for 2011

  • Knit Together - Debbie Macomber
  • Captured by Grace - Dr. David Jeremiah
  • Murder Most Foul - A Collection of Great Crime Stories
  • Fireproof - Eric Wilson
  • There's Something About Christmas - Debbie Macomber
  • Questioning Evangelism - Randy Newman
  • Murder Uncorked - Michele Scott
  • A Sacred Sorrow - Michael Card
  • Prayer: Does it Make any Difference? - Philip Yancey
  • Get Out of That Pit - Beth Moore

Books Read in 2011

  • What a Sista Should Do - Tiffany L. Warren
  • 90 Minutes in Heaven - Don Piper
  • Forgotten God - Francis Chan
  • The Purpose Driven Life - Rick Warren
  • Dead Reckoning - Charlaine Harris
  • Shadowfever - Karen Marie Moning
  • Chill Factor - Sandra Brown
  • Heaven Has a Blue Carpet - Sharon Niedzinski
  • Dreamfever - Karen Marie Moning
  • Wednesday Sisters - Meg Waite Clayton
  • Stealing Home - Sherryl Woods
  • Bound for Murder - Laura Childs
  • Bloodfever - Karen Marie Moning
  • Faefever - Karen Marie Moning
  • Darkfever - Karen Marie Moning
  • Under Her Skin - Susan Mallery
  • The Red Pyramid - Rick Riordan
  • No Wonder They Call Him Saviour - Max Lucado
  • I Still Dream About You - Fannie Flagg
  • I Am Number Four - Pittacus Lore
  • The Last Olympian - Rick Riordan
  • Spider Bones - Kathy Reichs
  • A Thread So Thin - Marie Bostwick
  • The Battle of the Labyrinth - Rick Riordan
  • The Search - Nora Roberts
  • The Titan's Curse - Rick Riordan
  • Wicked Appetite - Janet Evanovich
  • The Sea of Monsters - Rick Riordan
  • Awakened - PC & Kristen Cast
  • The Lightning Thief - Rick Riordan
  • Photo Finished - Larua Childs
  • Keepsake Crimes - Laura Childs
  • Sizzling Sixteen - Janet Evanovich
  • The Icing on the Cupcake - Jennifer Ross
  • Fleece Navidad - Maggie Sefton
  • Dyer Consequences - Maggie Sefton
  • The Darling Dahlias and the Cucumber Tree - Susan Wittig Albert
  • Heaven Has a Blue Carpet - Sharon Niedzinski
  • Dreamfever - Karen Marie Moning

Books Read in 2010

  • The Yada Yado Prayer Group - Netta Jackson
  • Silver Borne - Patricia Briggs
  • The Hole in Our Gospel - Richard Stearns
  • A Winter Marriage - Kerry Hardie
  • So Long, Insecurity - Beth Moore
  • Knit the Season - Kate Jacobs
  • Dead and Berried - Karen MacInerney
  • Murder on the Rocks - Karen MacInerney
  • where do i go - Netta Jackson
  • be sweet - diane hunt
  • The Lost Symbol - Dan Brown
  • Raven - Allison Van Deipen
  • Push (Precious) - sapphire
  • Faces of the Gone - Brad Parks
  • The Lace Reader - Brunonia Barry
  • Burning Lamp - Amanda Quick
  • Fired Up - Jayne Ann Krentz
  • The School of Essential Ingredients - Erica Bauermeister
  • Matters Arising - Sarah Harrison
  • The Sheen on the Silk - Anne Perry
  • I Saw the Lord - Anne Graham Lotz
  • The Dangerous Protector - Janet Chapman
  • The Seduction of His Wife - Janet Chapman
  • Re-reading all the Tintin graphic novels - Herge
  • The Sugar Queen - Sarah Addison Allen
  • the last time i saw you - Elizabeth Berg
  • Garden Spells - Sarah Addison Allen
  • Wild Ride - Jennifer Crusie & Bob Mayer
  • Dead in the Family - Charlaine Harris
  • The Girl Who Chased the Moon - Sarah Addison Allen
  • Grave Secret - Charlaine Harris
  • Crawl Space - Sarah Graves
  • The Honey Thief - Elizabeth Graver
  • The Otherworldlies - Jennifer Anne Kogler
  • Saving CeeCee Honeycutt - Beth Hoffman
  • A Face at the Window - Sarah Graves
  • Draycott Eternal - Christina Skye
  • Shelter Mountain - Robin Carr
  • Virgin River - Robyn Carr
  • Death by Cashmere - Sally Goldenbaum
  • An Ice Cold Grave - Charlaine Harris
  • Grave Surprise - Charlaine Harris
  • Grave Sight - Charlaine Harris